Ah, babies. Who doesn’t love them? Who doesn’t want them? Isn’t the dream of all women to be a mother?
Wait a minute. Not quite.
I have written on this blog before about people thinking that marriage is the ultimate goal for all seemingly heterosexual relationships and how that means that they tend to pressure or constantly question those who don’t necessarily seem so inclined. So this post is a follow-up to that one, and is on what many people consider the step after marriage: producing children.
People – and not just my relatives, either! – frequently bring up “the baby issue” to me. They remind me that I am not getting any younger (thanks for the news!), and they say that life is so much more worthwhile if you have children (I am sure some people honestly feel that way, but not all), and they try to encourage me by saying that my partner and I were cute babies ourselves (I can’t deny it) and that we should pass on our good genes (I have good genes? Now that’s news!).
The overwhelming perspective they all share seems to be: of course you want children, so why not do it now? Why wait? You owe yourself and you owe the world babies!
First of all, I’d rather not discuss my personal decisions under such circumstances; I don’t like feeling that I have to defend myself, and that’s how it would end up being. If they were genuinely interested in my life and my goals, they’d ask in an interested and open way, rather than assuming they know what I need and want. Beyond that, as I have said before, what even makes people think they know what is best or right for other people (and, hey, if it’s trendy, it must be right!)? Sure, they often give advice because they genuinely care and/or feel they have insight that they should offer to other people. But there are limits. Next thing you know, such people will want to join you in the bedroom, to make sure you actually know how to create a baby.
Typically, I try to avoid the topic. I say, “We’ll see.” Or I mumble about how busy my partner and I are and how it’s not a good time (their response: it is never a good time, so you just have to go ahead and do it). Rarely do I bother to point out that not everyone wants children or feels able to parent children, because when I have tried that, people just argue with me, saying that whoever thinks she/he doesn’t want children is just fooling her/himself and/or does not understand what she/he would miss out on. And especially if you’re female, people think there must be something strange with you if you aren’t busy picking baby names and looking into schools long before you’ve ever gotten pregnant. (And I won’t even get into the fact that some couples do actually try to have children but are not able to, and since they don’t share the disappointing news with everyone else in the world, others assume that they haven’t started trying yet, and therefore they lay on the pressure, which just makes the situation worse for the couple.) So to make a long story short, there’s no point in entering into such a discussion about whether to baby or not to baby; whatever I say, I am accused of being confused, defensive, or just plain wrong. Oh baby! How tiresome!
My wish here (and in many other situations, too) is that people would try to be more understanding of choices that others make, even if they would not have made the same choices themselves. It has nothing to do with my own baby decisions per se; it’s just about being polite and treating other people with respect.
--Curly
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Terrific post, Curly.
--Prunella
it is annoying that people think they know what you should be doing. this reminds for somr reason of when iw as a kid an would be out with my parents people would ask my mom if she had an more kids when she said know thye would say what a shame whats wrong with only have one kid.
Making comments about people's personal choices never really seems appropriate. People have told me, for example, that my mother is so lovely and loving that she should have had more than once child; I don't know if they have told her this, but it does seem odd that they tell me, since it implicitly criticizes the choice my parents made (or else that was made for them, if, for example, they tried to have another child but couldn't) and people never know for sure what couples have decided or why.
--Curly
Clapping hands loudly!!! You are so right on curly!!! And they make you try to feel bad about yourself to, as if you (well, i am talking about me really) as if i am a freak! Well, I am, but not on the basis of that particular conscious decision that I made.
bravo curly!
--kimba
Thanks, Kimba!
In my experience, so many people feel that baby-making and baby-rearing are so essential and so, well, obvious, that they really do think people (especially women) are freaks if they don't have children. And if you try to educate them about this issue, they just argue. It gets frustrating and I guess it isn't really worth it in the end.
--Curly
Post a Comment