Tying the (K)Not

Though I shouldn’t be, I am often surprised by what people think they can ask or say to others. I myself am a curious (okay, nosy!) person and I like to hear all about other people and what is happening in their lives, but I try not to make assumptions about what I think they ought to do and I try not to pressure them to behave according to what society thinks is right. So it gets tiresome when people do that to me. Showing interest is one thing, while making judgments and proffering unasked-for opinions is quite another.

One of the most annoying assumptions I have to deal with regularly is that I should get married. Because I am in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite gender, most people (especially in certain countries, such as the U.S.) think that means I must want to get married and that it is bizarre or even wrong if I do not make wedding plans. With my grandparents or their friends, I do not mind so much that they ask me these kinds of questions, because I know that they are interested and that their worldview is different than mine (in that they generally believe that marriage is the right, or only, thing to do), and also less open to change at this stage. So I usually just smile and say “Some day” and let it go at that, even if I’d rather that they stop harping on it.

But with younger generations, I find this assumption especially irritating, because one would think that they would have a broader range of experiences (i.e. been exposed to more cultures, more sexualities, and more ways of living) than older people, but still, many are not so open-minded and so they believe that marriage is the only option in the world for couples (people need to study more anthropology and/or travel more). Also, I’d like to believe that younger people have recently had to listen to their own parents or grandparents offering “helpful advice” and asking too many questions and would therefore be sympathetic, but they nevertheless seem to think it is appropriate to talk to me as though they know best and as though it is natural for me to think exactly the way they do.

A typical example is from just a few weeks ago, when I was talking to a woman my age who got married earlier this year. She went on and on about her wedding and then, of course, asked when my wedding would be. I said I had no plans at this time. She looked concerned and embarrassed and then quickly said, “Well, don’t worry. My husband and I were together for six years before we got married! It will happen!” I assured her, “I am happily unmarried,” but that did not seem to make any sense to her, because after all, everyone wants to get married, don’t they?

And I won’t even mention all my college acquaintances or other friends who have issued dire warnings about living with someone without being married or who have worried on my behalf about how men won’t “buy the cow if they can get the milk for free” (no comments about me being compared to a cow, please!). Why do people always assume that women are desperate to get married while men do everything they can to avoid it? And why do they think men only want "milk"?

Some of these people have legitimate concerns, such as that they wonder what it means for me and my partner that many countries don’t recognize couples who live together and thus don’t give them legal rights. But most don’t focus on that. Instead, they think that being partners and not spouses is odd, cheap, morally wrong, shows a lack of commitment, and other unpleasant things, and frankly, I don’t need to hear such unsupportive or insulting remarks.

Marriage, as with so many other topics, is a personal decision, and while I am happy to talk about it and even to debate the pros and cons of getting married or not, I am not eager to have to defend myself and my lifestyle or to always have to politely accept advice I don’t necessarily agree with or want to hear. I’d rather people tie their tongues than continually ask me about tying the knot!

-- Curly