The Feminist Backlash

In my last post, I mentioned how a lot of people still seem to be against being unionized. This makes me think of how so many of my younger students are against feminism. They proudly state that they don’t need feminism. Some of them, especially the women, even go so far as to say that they don’t want to be associated with intellectuals or with lesbians or with man-hating, as though all feminists are those things. A number of my female students say they want to wear short dresses and make-up and find men so they can be stay-at-home parents, and they claim that feminism has nothing to offer them. Except, obviously, they wouldn’t be at university without the work early feminists did to demand equality for women, and they wouldn’t be in a position to choose what to wear or how to live without feminism. They’d simply be expected to be pretty housewives rather than being empowered to make that choice.

What has caused this feminist backlash? We still have imparity in the world, and feminism is about challenging and fixing inequity. I try to explain this to my students, but they seem to think the world – or at least their narrow area of it – is completely fair now, and that there is nothing more to fight for. And they certainly don’t want any part of feminism.

--Curly

Good in Bed

Why do so many men seem to think they can turn lesbians straight? I wish I got money for every time a man claimed that all a gay woman needed was a good fuck and that he was just the man to offer that service; I’d be rich now if I’d been collecting.

I know lots of men find female sexuality (whether straight, bi, or gay) threatening. And I also know plenty of people – male or female – who want to believe they are so good in bed they can “convert” another person’s sexuality. So together these feelings and beliefs are a bad combination that leads men to believe that women couldn’t possibly prefer (or enjoy in addition) sleeping with women instead of men.

But it is tiresome to hear such a stupid comment. Face it: you’re probably not all that good in bed anyway, and even if a straight woman would have you, a bi or gay women could do better. You’re not converting anyone.

--Curly

Giving the (Ring) Finger

While getting my nails manicured, the manicurist noticed a ring on my left ring finger. It was a silver band, engraved with the name of my alma mater. The manicurist asked me if I was married. I told her I was not.

She then asked why I wore a ring on that finger. She proceeded to explain that if men saw a ring on my finger, they would not ask me, and thus, "You will never get married! Don't wear a ring there!"

Um, okay. First of all, it is none of her business what my marital status is or what I wear and where I wear it. Second, I don't like her assumption that I must want a husband. Not everyone does, not even taking into account matters of sexuality.

I would have liked to give her the (ring) finger!

--Curly

Anti-Anti-Pride

It’s Pride season, which means it’s also pride-protester season. Among the protesters and to varying degrees of vocalness, there are a number of types. For example, there are the usual religious fanatics who are anti-queer (and I can’t be bothered to argue with their stupidity at the moment), and then there are the fairly queer-friendly, or at least queer-accepting, folks who just don’t see a point in pride.

“Be gay, fine. But why do you have to be all out and loud and proud about it?” they ask.

If society pressures people to be heterosexual and yet someone manages to be true to him- or herself anyway and to live a homosexual or bisexual life, that person deserves to feel some pride in his/her strength. It’s incredibly hard for many to go against societal and familial demands, and to be themselves.

“But why don’t we get heterosexual pride parades?” the same fairly queer-accepting people ask.

Every day celebrates heterosexual pride! Every day, heterosexual couples can go about their lives, holding hands in public, kissing in the streets, sharing romantic meals, visiting each other in the hospital, picking up their children from school, getting equal rights everywhere and at all times, and so much more. So is one day to celebrate homosexual and bisexual couples too much to ask?

I’m anti these anti-pride-protesters.

--Curly

Hairy and Scary

Why is there the assumption that women must shave their legs and armpits and bikini areas? Why do people tend to find it so offensive if a woman dares to wear shorts or a skirt and has hairy legs? Is it so threatening to our natural order?

It’s such a waste of time to shave, and of course the various bits of paraphernalia we need or the services we pay for when shaving or waxing or getting electrolysis or whatever else can get quite expensive. And when the hair is growing back, it feels rough and can be scratchy or itchy.

Personally, I have better things to do with my time. I still feel a bit uncomfortable when wearing a skirt, even if I’m also wearing tights or pantyhose over my legs, but I know that’s just due to my socialization, and I am trying to overcome it. But I don’t appreciate friends or relatives or lovers making negative comments about my body hair; it just doesn’t seem to be any of their business, and it can also be rather sad to hear how everyone in our society has bought into the idea of a hair-free woman being the ideal.

--Curly

You Haven’t Come a Long Way, Baby

This may turn into an annual rant, but I am getting really tired of the baby stuff. I work in academia, and you’d think that the relatively career-focused and relatively liberal people there would be a bit more thoughtful. Instead, they continue to talk up the joys of parenthood and they encourage me to try it out, too. And in the meantime, they give childless me plenty of work they don’t want to do or can’t do due to their childcare commitments.

Enough with the baby nonsense already! Don’t punish me for not having kids and don’t assume I ought to or want to have them myself.

--Curly

Ranting about Students: Part 4

Something odd happened one week in one of my classes. None of the male students turned up (see my earlier post about them having better things to do than attend class!), and the students who were there suddenly spoke much more and seemed significantly more confident. The discussion was livelier than usual and the students appeared to be having a lot of fun.

This is to say that on a day when there were only women in the room, the class was better. At the end of the seminar, I mentioned the fact that the ladies had been more talkative when no guys were around. The women looked guiltily at each other and finally one said that they didn’t talk as much when the entire group was there because they didn’t want the men to think they were “feminists.” The others concurred and said that if they monopolized the discussion, or even just contributed to it more, the male students would think bad things about them. In other words, women attending a selective university are still afraid to speak up, lest men find them less attractive for doing so.

There’s something wrong with this, isn’t there? How can we change it?

--Curly

Big Women with Little Voices

What’s with grown-up women who purposefully speak with high-pitched voices? Do they think it makes them sound sweeter, cuter, more vulnerable, more innocent, more girlish, whatever? And, if so, why’s that appealing?

I’ve heard quite a few women who seem to choose to talk in girlish tones, particularly when men are around, that are clearly not their natural voices. And I just don’t get it. It seems to be an attempt to attract men, by making the women seem reedy and needy.

--Curly

Phallophobia

I’ve just spent two posts complaining about penises, and that brings me to another rant: the idea that all feminists are boring, cranky, man-haters. I am a feminist (and I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t be, since feminism is, in my opinion, about equal rights for everyone), but I’m not a man-hater (I am cranky and I can’t comment on whether I am boring). Why would I hate men? I dislike the power they have traditionally had and I am angry about some of the ways they have used and abused that power, but that doesn’t make me categorically hate them.

There are surely some misandrist feminists, just as there are misogynistic men, but I would guess that most feminists are not. So let’s get rid of that stereotype (while also getting rid of all the phallus statues and the way men touch themselves constantly!).

--Curly

The Monumental Phallus

To continue my penis-related theme from the last post, I can just point out how many statues and monuments are phallus-shaped. Why is that? Is there something Freudian that I ought to be analyzing? I can’t really imagine anyone building a vulva-shaped monument, and that makes me wonder what is really going on here (and don’t worry, I won’t go on a long rant about male supremacy and power). Don’t other people ever get tired of looking at these large, erect concrete penises?

--Curly

When I Think About You, I Don’t Touch Myself

I can’t be the only one who gets a bit disgusted by the way men are always touching (oh, excuse me, I meant “adjusting”) themselves. When I teach, I see male students reaching into their jeans. When I’ve attended lectures or workshops, I’ve seen the leaders scratching or tugging as they speak. When I’m on the bus, at a movie, in a restaurant, listening to a concert, or anywhere else, I see men busy rubbing, fixing, patting, or otherwise touching their genital areas.

Now I know I’m not a man, so I don’t know how uncomfortable or hot or itchy or whatever else it can be to have a penis hanging between my legs. I’ve been told that I’m too hard (so to speak) on men and that I just don’t understand what it’s like. That may be true, but is it too much to ask for men to go somewhere private if they are going to touch their privates? And could they wash their hands when finished? I’m not keen on the idea of shaking hands with someone who was just shaking his penis.

Maybe my ideas of etiquette are too strict, but I guess I don’t believe that men truly have reason to be touching themselves in public.

--Curly

The Look of Love: Commercial Crassness and Stereotypes

An obvious peeve is the commercial crassness of Valentine’s Day. We’re expected to buy cards, flowers, candy, and other gifts (generally decorated with hearts) for our loved ones once a year, but what I don’t get is why we don’t show people our love all the time and not just on a holiday that clearly is meant to offer a significant profit to certain industries. But it isn’t just the commerciality that bothers me; it’s also the stereotyping.

The other day, I was in a card shop, making a study of the cards available. First of all, nearly all the cards were designed for heterosexual couples. This was obvious because of the pictures of male and female people (or, once in awhile, animals, such as cats or bears, dressed in stereotypically male and female ways, with one cat in a skirt and the other wearing a tie) on the cards. So Valentine’s Day is a holiday for straight people.

Secondly, it was interesting to see how the cards used language. Cards addressed “to my husband” or “to my boyfriend” used terms such as “strong man,” “good father,” “faithful husband,” and “loving boyfriend.” Cards addressed “to my wife” or “to my girlfriend” were more likely to use words like “beautiful” and “sexy.” That is to say that women express their love for the men in their lives by praising what they do and how they do it, whereas men refer to their wives’ and girlfriends’ looks.

Is this what love is about?

--Curly

Thirtynothing

I'm not exactly up on pop music, nor am I generally a fan of pop, but I can't resist agreeing with some of the peevish sentiment's in Lily Allen's 22 (you can watch the video online).

There are two main points. One is that once you reach thirty, your life is over, especially if you're a woman (Blur, an all-male group, claims that what is more likely is that "the mind gets dirty as you get closer to thirty" -- you can watch a video for this song online, too). As I approached thirty, I was certainly warned about what this new decade would entail, and the predictions were dire. Is thirty really the end of the best part of a person's life? I don't think so!

The other peeve in Lily Allen's song is about how a woman is waiting for a man to "pick[s] her up and put[s] her over his shoulder," i.e. to be the one to change her life, fix her problems, and take care of her. This is the message from society, too.

In other words, as we women approach thirty, we had better hope we find a man to ensure that our life doesn't get very depressing and hopeless.

--Curly

This is Reality?

I don’t usually watch reality tv shows, but as a break, I was looking at one not long ago that featured dance routines, and I was disturbed to see how the women were scarcely clad and were shaking their bodies seductively, whereas the men relied on their talent (or lack thereof). Again, what is about women’s bodies being public property? Why do we feel we can look at women (wearing what amounted to little more than g-strings and tight tops), dancing around and giggling and smiling and flipping their long locks and shimmying their bodies, whereas we expect men to perform and show their strength and skills (and, possibly, to do it all with a shirt half-unbuttoned, their muscular, hairy chests somewhat on display)?

A reflection of reality indeed!

--Curly

Not Tickling My Fancy/Fanny

I haven't experienced this myself, but lots of female friends have mentioned how, when they are at the gynecologist getting examined, the doctor will tell them to "think of Brad Pitt and relax."

This is disgusting and offensive for a number of reasons. First of all, not all women are straight and want to think about a man when someone has his or her hands between their legs. And whether they are straight or not, they may not find Brad Pitt (or George Clooney or Johnny Depp or whoever else) attractive. And why should women have to get such advice anyway? Do men at the proctologist get told that they should think of Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie? Why can't the doctor/nurse focus on the task at hand (so to speak) and try to make the patient relaxed in some other way?

If someone said this to me, I'd be inclined to close my legs and kick him/her in the face!

--Curly

Undressed for Success

In my last post, I complained about music videos and their use of half-dressed women to catch the viewer’s interest. The same is true of advertisements. So often I see a billboard or an ad in a magazine and it features a mostly naked women, and I incorrectly assume the ad is for underwear. But no, usually it is for something totally unrelated to underwear, such as a car, or alcohol, or even an amusement park (because nothing is fun for the whole family like a sexy undressed woman!).

When will we stop using women’s bodies to sell things? Does seeing a naked woman really make someone more likely to choose a particular brand or product? For me, it does the opposite, and I would like to think that it might have this effect on those of us who are conscious of sexism.

--Curly

Black Eyed Pleas

One of my few celebrity crushes – and perhaps the most embarrassing one – was on the singer Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. In my pursuit of Fergie, I have watched (and yes, I admit it, enjoyed) many BEP videos.

This peeve is not only related to BEP but to most music videos out there. Why are women scantily clad and portrayed solely as sex objects? Why are they bumping and grinding, usually with their gaze trained on the male singer, who is often unattractive and sloppily dressed but acts like a stud? Even Fergie, who does have a powerful voice, is nearly always wearing a minimum of clothes (okay, okay, I do like that, but I also chastise myself for liking it!) and she is shown in these videos as a sexy woman who is appreciated for her body and her looks, but not for her musical talent.

When will we get to a stage where we can focus on the music and on the story told by music? Why do we need half-dressed women in order to keep our attention?

--Curly

Have Yourself a Sexist Little Christmas

Ah, the holidays. A time filled with so many rant-worthy subjects!

I got a book catalog in the mail, advertising wonderful holiday presents, conveniently divided into “for him” and “for her” sections. For him, why not buy a book about war, sports, cars, or science? And for her, naturally there are books on cooking and gardening, with one thrown in about animals, since women love cute itty-bitty animals! Women would never want to read about science or, gasp, sports, and why should men learn anything about plants or baking?

How is it that even in this day and age, even presents are still sexist?

--Curly

Untitled

I am constantly annoyed by people assuming that since I am a woman, I must be either a Miss or a Mrs. I find this assumption upsetting for many reasons.

Miss to me refers to a little girl, not to a grown woman, and Mrs. is only for a woman who is married and has taken her husband's name. So as an unmarried, grown woman, neither of those names is appropriate. Instead, I would prefer Ms., which is often not recognized as a possibility.

But in fact I happen to be Dr. Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't go around bragging about this, but when people ask me if I am Miss or Mrs., I immediately reply, "Actually, I'm Dr."

Why do people believe that Miss and Mrs. are the only two possible options for women? Why don't they consider that women may have advanced degrees? And what about women who married but haven't changed their last names? Or women who are unmarried and are adults?

How hard is to think of women as something other than girls or wives?

--Dr. Curly

All the Single Ladies (and Gents)

In recent times, I've had a number of conversations in which single people have complained about how others treat them. I had been aware that many partnered people are uncomfortable with singletons and try to set them up with romantic partners or don't include them or even just drop them, but I hadn't understood quite to what extent this happens.

Lots of people are single. Many -- perhaps most? -- are happy with this state of affairs (or, rather, this state of lack of affairs). Why should this make paired people uncomfortable?

People should be complete in and of themselves and not only when they are half of a couple. It isn't fair to treat single men and women differently than we would the coupled.

--Curly